MINDLESS MUSINGS

Q) How do you know when a politician is lying?

A) Their lips are moving

We’ve all heard that one, I’m sure. I’ve got one with a slight twist:

Q) Why aren’t there any honest politicians?

A) Because who would vote for them.

Not as witty as the first, but just as true. If a politician got up and told us that there was no possible way to fix the mess we are all in, especially within the three or four years they get in office, we would be horrified! Like a huge ship, you cannot turn an economy around in a short time and little room. The moment you get into office you are handed the keys to a battered vessel being held together with duct tape and chewing gum.

For a little while you get to blame the previous crew for their mishandling of things during their time in charge. They will probably counter by blaming you for doing the same before they got to the helm. This keeps the mud from sticking for a little while at least.

Eventually you will be expected to have all your ducks in a row (looks like we’re going with a nautical thing here) and set the course for your bold new vision. You’ve only got about three years left at this stage, so it can’t be anything that takes too long before you get results. Pull into port for repairs? Absolutely not! This baby must keep moving like a shark (they just keep coming!) or we will perish.

Promises and grand announcements can keep the masses calm for a while, but without tangible results you are sunk. First, you have to figure out the right promises to make; that’s a fucken mine field! Every good cause, has a rival cause that need more help than that other cause:

“Youth crime is at epidemic levels! We will be doing all we can to stop this scourge!”

“What about domestic violence?”

“Well, of course we will be allocating resources to…”

“Oh, allocating resources, not doing all you can”

“What about the plight of the indigenous community? You heartless bastards”

“That is our number one priority”

“Which one?”

“All of them. Bad stuff. We will be doing everything within our power to stop bad stuff from happening.”

“That sounds kind of vague”

“FUCK!!!”

Of course, the whole time this is happening, you will have the opposition members talking shit about your plans. “Too little, too late”, “doesn’t go far enough”, or to really stir the pot they might even dig up another cause you missed and denigrate your lack of action there.

“This government is too soft in its war on illegal drugs, terrorism, child abuse! Yeah, child abuse! Those fuckers don’t even care about our children!”

Next you need to prepare for the 20/20 hindsight salvo if anything goes wrong.

“This government was so busy running around ticking boxes and pleasing interest groups that they never even bothered to put together an emergency plan for a wombat straying onto the Princes Highway, causing a massive pile up, which in turn ignited a horrendous bush fire! Our party has had a 7-step plan for just this kind of occurrence.”

“Never would have happened if we were in charge”

“What?”

“Whatever”

Imagine a political website where each minister has to explain their portfolio and what they plan to do. A 3-hour PowerPoint presentation on the scope of their responsibilities along with the major departments and other entities under their authority. Next, they will lay out what the previous minister handed over and what changes they plan to make.

If anyone is still watching after all that, they will be faced with the stark reality of what happens next. Corruption and incompetence aside, there are only so many resources available. As much as this minister may wish to solve all the ills occurring under their influence, there will need to be compromises and there will inevitably be shortfalls.

“There are no solutions, only trade-offs.”

Thomas Sowell

Go one step further and open it up to the opposition and allow them to reply with their own ideas; on the record, BEFORE we see the results of the policies getting introduced. No Monday’s Expert chiming in after the outcome is known.

Imagine a politician firing back at a passionate mental health advocate who is demanding more be done to combat depression and suicide:

“I hear your concern, but there is only so much money in my budget. Would you like me to take money from the breast cancer coffers?”

I know that is a very flippant example, but it is also a horrible decision that needs to be made. There is not enough to go around and there are countless good causes that deserve assistance. Again, I won’t complicate matters with profiteering and other unscrupulous practices that undoubtedly go on and make these choices that much more difficult. In the end, there is never enough and people need to fight for their share of the pie – tragic but true.

Any cause a politician backs is ignoring innumerable others and only a handful of those will even get their complaints heard. Now imagine a polly getting up and saying something akin to: “life stinks and all I can do is spray a little deodorant for you guys while I’m here”. This is based on an upstanding character, mind you, let us not forget that a career politician accepted the ugliness and double-speak long ago. They joined the game knowing it mostly fixed and their only concern is improving their own living standards.

Those lot use deception like a musician uses their instrument. Telling lies IS the job. Keep the voters happy or angry at someone/thing else and keep REALITY obscured. In that sense the original gag at the start of this post is funny way of stating a fact.

Either way, a politician must choose their words extremely fucking carefully. Lying, exaggerating, playing down, omitting and any other ruses are essential tools for survival. You cannot take advantage of political office if you are booted out.